Mentari Senja

Last Sunday my friend celebrated her 1^st anniversary of going steady with her boyfriend.  I was hoping to hear some mushy-mushy story about their dinner, but apparently they just ate at the hawker centre in Esplanade and walked around.  Hahaha.. didn’t expect that.  And you know what was the gift from her boyfriend?  A bracelet.  Okay that’s sweet, but if you look closely, this bracelet’s beads are miniatures of cars, planes, etc.  It’s like a gift for a little kid!  O my.. what a boyfriend.Yesterday, on Monday, was also an anniversary – for me.  No not the mushy anniversary.  Nothing romantic.  It was an anniversary of a very sad day – the saddest day in my life so far, and as much as I want to forget, deep down I violently reject to erase that memory.  So I let it live.  And yesterday, it has lived for a year.On Saturday, 24 March 2007, was a day that I cannot forget.  It was a day of betrayal, of hours of tears in the toilet cubicle, of hypocrisy, of forced smiles, and many, many weeks of struggling to overcome the evil hatred that had found its home in one dark, hidden corner of my heart, and many, many weeks of self-denial, and a few other hours of tears, and dozens of questions and regrets.But I’ve finally come to terms with it.  Perhaps the real anniversary was last Saturday, the day of election.  A couple of months ago, I had considered of not going, of finding a reason to skip it.  I was afraid.  But I guess we all have to face our fear, one way or another.  So that Saturday came and went, and I didn’t feel a thing.  No, I did feel something.  The little twinge when they clapped loudly for him – I remember that clap, too.  Don’t do it if you don’t mean it, or the pain would be far greater.  That forced smile of mine when they discussed about the candidates and brought up the past.  That day in that big room, I felt like a hypocrite.  Perhaps, the only hypocrite was me.But I sighed.  A sigh of relief.  For this time they had chosen to not repeat their mistake.  Yes, I still consider it a mistake.  Lucky it was me.  If it weren’t, where would they be now?  Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.  I’m a woman, I’ve been scorned, and hell yeah my fury blazes stronger than hell, but heaven had grace on me and poured the rain of tears for so many times to make sure that the fire did not consume my heart and soul.  I just do not want him – he who I thought of as my own brother – to suffer the same fate as I did.It’s been a year.  And even though I now could walk through it and breathe the memory with more ease, I still feel that pain.  It’s been a year.  How heartbroken I still am.  Perhaps like Gayatri.  Yes, perhaps like her.. with her love, heartbreak, and strength.  I envy, Gayatri, but I created her.I still wonder why I ran for VP that day.  I felt dejected and rejected by the very thing that I care for.  A part of me did not want to be part of anything anymore.  It was one of the reasons I refused when he asked us to be with him automatically – I asked for a fair trial, open for all.  A part of me did not want to go there again.  But a part of me did want to, and I finally did.  And even now I asked why.Last Saturday I finally realized.  Because I know when I become a support, I’d be an excellent support.  A friend of mine hypothesized of an overthrow, I laughed.  Silly idea.  If I were a secretary, I’d write excellent minutes.  If I were a treasurer, I’d come up with detailed financial statements.  And if I were a VP, I’d be an excellent support.  And I know that.  Perhaps that’s why I ran.  I wanted to prove myself.  But by doing that, making he who I supported excel as well.  And in the end, I couldn’t say, see he was no better than me, why did you choose him, you fool?  Because he did a good job.  And in the end, I’d say that he had done a good job.  I’ve created my own cognitive dissonance.  But I need that to silence the screams that could very well ruin my thoughts.Yes, it’s been a year.  Now that I’ve stepped down, I’ve decided to seek the answers.  That day on Saturday, I’ve heard things, but it was all a blur.  It’s been a year, and I will soon leave this place.  At least, I want to hear the reasons with open ears and open heart.Dear Lord, my wisdom is limited, my heart is deceitful.  I’ve looked all around the world, to the deepest sea, to the highest mountain, but I could only see myself black as a coal.  Not even the whitest snow could erase the burnt smeared across my face.  But, dear Lord, you wisdom is wiser than men and your strength is stronger than men.  Thank you for carrying this hypocrite safely across the valley of despair.  It’s been a year.  Let me finally close this book of heartaches.

Singapore,
Tuesday, 25 March 2008, 2:20PM
Mentari Senja
- in memory of the Bloody March